Uman. 4am

Once you finally arrive in Uman.  The first order of business is to find your place to sleep.   The real problem at this point is the lack of a working fone.  With a working internet connection you can contact people, use google maps, play games, write blog posts, etc.

Without one, you are walking (literally) in the dark.

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I had the foresight to make a copy of the map to the house i was staying at, and copied the address.  I also made sure to come with a bunch of singles (dollars).  

These are essential, especially when you first arrive, because the porters will carry your bags halfway across the planet for one or two dollars.  And if your packs are heavy, which mine were, that definitely makes life easier.

Unfortunately I did not have the foresight to realize I would be trying to find the apartment at 4am in the morning.  So although the porter and I were pretty sure we found the right spot, I didnt want to take a chance on waking the wrong people up.

Which meant walking back half a kilometer up and down a bunch of hills back to Pushkina street.

At this point i decided to go to the tzion and chill out till the morning.   This was a great idea, but the guards were not letting people in with bags.  So, exhausted, i put my bags down on the sidewalk.

A yeshiva student was walking by and wearily, i asked him if he knew of a place to crash.  He said he himself is looking, I nodded and decided to simply relax for a bit.

Above I mentioned the need for internet and fone access.  During the holidays, several different Ukranian telecom companies send representatives to Uman to sell and set up sim cards for people.  Luckily, two of these guys were standing around 3 feet from where I was sitting and offered to set it up for me.  One problem solved.

Then the yeshiva student came back and offered to sneak my bags into the tzion.  I was a bit out of it, and decided why not.  Without givin me a chance to change my mind, he grabbed my large bag and hiked it down the hill, to an unguarded fence which he climbed over via a rickety platform, onto a concrete ledge, then across a steep hill between houses, up five flights of stairs and dripped it off!  I know this because i followed him the entire way.  I really owe that guy

uman thoughts part one

The apartment Im in is far from the center of town.  Has plenty of hot water, no food.

So Im sitting, no food to distract.  Nothing online I feel like watching, no movies, no work.

Im surrounded by good guys, but Im long past the stage where I chat about nonsense with other men.  Ive become more like my father, driven to fulfill goals, to achieve, to realoze something.  Even if I chat, to relax, the relaxation has a broader goal or purpose to fulfill,

My father is a very driven man.  He has an incredible depth.  Like a strong current that flows hundreds of miles under the surface of the water.  I wouldnt call him complicated, but its a complexity that covers a broad and powerful range.

Do we have needs to distract ourselves from a deeper unfilfilled need?

A man chooses.  He has the power to choose what he wants, what he will do with himself, even what he will feel.

I can choose to miserable, i can choose to be happy.   That doesnt mean its easy to choose, just that i can.

Given that, why would I choose to be miserable?  How about this - why choose to be frustrated?  If im frustrated, im setting off an alarm in my brain saying "this is not working, do somethig about it"

Its a success strategy.  We think its a faikure strategy, because miserable people seem to be failires but thats because we are defining success or failure by our terms.  Whereas the inner mind might have a totally different concept of success.

Of yiu tell yourself "you suck".  You are trying to motivate yourself, assessing your state and giving your self a command.

Imagine trlling someone. "Hey you!  Be a failure!"

Same thing.  Its a command.

Why give that command?  No really, what would be the reason to give that command?

Well of I suck, i have a perfect excuse to get out of doing worthless shit that other people expect me to do but that i have no real interest in doing.  If I suck, I dont have to waste my energy on goals that  will go nowhere.

Depression has a purpose.  It is to save energy.  Instead of wasting energy on so,e pointless activity, your mind shuts it off.  So you feel listless, unmotivated.  Of course you are unmotivated, you think doing x y or z is totally pointless and will ultimately not take you where you want to go.

So where do i want to go?  Better question. Why dont i already know where i want to go?

I was blowing time looking at profiles on okcupid, and I noticed one woman wrote "i know what i want.  And you?"  Which interested me because i was already thinking about that.  What do i want?

What do i really want?  Do i think i have permission to know that?  Who can give me that permission?

Well, me of course.   Anything I hear, anything i feel, its really my mind transmitting those sensations to me.  I really didnt want to think or feel it, I wouldnt.

They say, belief is nothing more or less, than the thoughts you choose to think,  if you choose to constantly tell yourself that you are a duck,  then that is what you believe.

If i tell myself "you have permission to know what you want", then that is what i will believe.

Just thinking out loud.

How to eat a meal at night in a van while on the highway.

 

Step 1:  secure your thermos.  The coffee must flow.  And as this is the most essential part of your meal, secure it.

Step 2: find your sandwich.  This will incorporate a bit of groping around in the dark.  Hopefully, you have a good idea where it in the bag.  Remove, unwrap, take bite, now secure sandwich.

Step 3: drink coffee.  Note you do not want to drink your coffee at the same time as you are attmepting to eat the sandwich on a bumpy highway, in the dark with only your lap as a table. So make sure that sandwich is secure before you go for the coffee.  Unscrew the thermos bottle, take the small cup and pour A LITTLE BIT OF COFFEE into the cup

This is important for two reasons

1.  too much coffee will spill over.  A little coffee in the cup on the other hand is manageable during a bumpy ride

2. A little bit of coffee cools down fast so yiu can drink it and move back to the sandwich

So now youve had a drink of your coffee.  Finish off what is the cup. Now secure the thermos and go back to your sandwich

Step 4.  At this point you have the basic routine.  Alternate between sandwich and coffee

2am gas break

No one is speaking,  everyone is awake, but it is cold and the ride is bumpy and we all want to sleep.  To be done with the ride, to find our apartments, set our things in order and then sleep.

This moment right here is a major part of the reason I tend to smoke so much in Uman, hopefullly i will be able to avoid it this time

 

12 pm, outside kiev airport

Bow down to the beard!

 

The trip is a usually a crap shoot sometimes good, sometimes bad.  On this one I traveled with President Rivlin and his wife, so things went very smooth

Its nice to belong to a first world nation that has its own fleet of aircraft.

On the trip I had an interesting conversation with a nice man from tzfat about movies, life and politics,  this is a typical Uman conversation.  Although then again its also a typical Israeli conversation.  Israelis tend to talk about life and what its all about, as though they are trying to figure out exactly why they are putting up with all of the nonsense involved with living in Israel.

This makes for more interesting conversations, and helps a person figure out what it is they are all about.  Israelis, even irritating annoying ones, have an uncanny ability to see into the truth of things.  They will quickly see past bullshit and call one out on it.  This can be annoying, you must let them know they are being annoying when they do this because sometimes they actually are doing it to be annoying.

Anyway, the nice man from tzfat bought me a sandwich.  The cheap flight came without meals, so we had to buy food on the plane.  My opinion regarding this was "no", but the kind man decoded to get me a sandwich anyway.  Refused to accept money.  So I joked about how in that case he should get me a steak, and he thought that was funny.

Passport control was interesting, the Ukrainians do not seem to know what to make of Israelis.  Who are all these crazy dark and light skinned people alternately quiet and loud, singing or meditating.  Who are these madmen dressed in all sorts of clothes.  They do not know, so they they squint their eyes at you, look up and down to passport as though trying to confirm that you are not a hallucination, then they will eventually shake their heads in hopeless resignation and stamp your passport to repeat the process again with the next madman.

In three hours I shall arrive at Uman.

When I first went to Uman it was very difficult to leave.  I would be upset, wishing not to have to go back to "the real world".  To leave from a place of open emotion back to a world where everything and everyone is closed and cold.  The changeover those first few years was traumatic.  I would go through a terrible depression every time.

Last year, I decided to take Uman with me back into the world.  Much better.

Haha, doesnt that sound deep?

Yes, I did do that, I imagined a light coming from heaven down on me and another light shining on me from Uman.  A good mental trick.  I also worked my ass off the entire year, focusing, self improvement, working out, socialize more, study, make sites, pray, etc.

Sometimes on this ride, I would listen to music, other times I would pray.  Once i tried reading a book using one of those book light things that you clip on to the book.

Ive gone this route by bus (horrible) and by van (much better).

Once, I was stuck all night in the Vinitsya airport because someone put the luggage on the wrong flight, so I had to wait until that flight came.  Fortunately I came with a thermos full of coffee, and some of my camping gear in my carry on.  So i had extra blankets and shirts to lend people.

Tonight I am making a log entry on the van.

I think i will title this umanblog, I might just facebook this, although it would be nice if i can get this workong on blogger.