uman thoughts part one

The apartment Im in is far from the center of town.  Has plenty of hot water, no food.

So Im sitting, no food to distract.  Nothing online I feel like watching, no movies, no work.

Im surrounded by good guys, but Im long past the stage where I chat about nonsense with other men.  Ive become more like my father, driven to fulfill goals, to achieve, to realoze something.  Even if I chat, to relax, the relaxation has a broader goal or purpose to fulfill,

My father is a very driven man.  He has an incredible depth.  Like a strong current that flows hundreds of miles under the surface of the water.  I wouldnt call him complicated, but its a complexity that covers a broad and powerful range.

Do we have needs to distract ourselves from a deeper unfilfilled need?

A man chooses.  He has the power to choose what he wants, what he will do with himself, even what he will feel.

I can choose to miserable, i can choose to be happy.   That doesnt mean its easy to choose, just that i can.

Given that, why would I choose to be miserable?  How about this - why choose to be frustrated?  If im frustrated, im setting off an alarm in my brain saying "this is not working, do somethig about it"

Its a success strategy.  We think its a faikure strategy, because miserable people seem to be failires but thats because we are defining success or failure by our terms.  Whereas the inner mind might have a totally different concept of success.

Of yiu tell yourself "you suck".  You are trying to motivate yourself, assessing your state and giving your self a command.

Imagine trlling someone. "Hey you!  Be a failure!"

Same thing.  Its a command.

Why give that command?  No really, what would be the reason to give that command?

Well of I suck, i have a perfect excuse to get out of doing worthless shit that other people expect me to do but that i have no real interest in doing.  If I suck, I dont have to waste my energy on goals that  will go nowhere.

Depression has a purpose.  It is to save energy.  Instead of wasting energy on so,e pointless activity, your mind shuts it off.  So you feel listless, unmotivated.  Of course you are unmotivated, you think doing x y or z is totally pointless and will ultimately not take you where you want to go.

So where do i want to go?  Better question. Why dont i already know where i want to go?

I was blowing time looking at profiles on okcupid, and I noticed one woman wrote "i know what i want.  And you?"  Which interested me because i was already thinking about that.  What do i want?

What do i really want?  Do i think i have permission to know that?  Who can give me that permission?

Well, me of course.   Anything I hear, anything i feel, its really my mind transmitting those sensations to me.  I really didnt want to think or feel it, I wouldnt.

They say, belief is nothing more or less, than the thoughts you choose to think,  if you choose to constantly tell yourself that you are a duck,  then that is what you believe.

If i tell myself "you have permission to know what you want", then that is what i will believe.

Just thinking out loud.